RED HOOK UPDATE UPDATE: "To the Boatloads Who Freeload: Sleep with the Swedish Fishes"

It didn't look like Ikea had the Swedish meatballs to do it, but they did.

The blue big box behemoth is officially no longer cool with allowing freeloading Red Hookers to use the free shuttle buses and Water Taxis it sponsors for their customers as their own personal commuter service between their remote Brooklyn neighborhood and downtown Manhattan.

No Ikea handstamp, no Ikea receipt, no Ikea ride...

RED HOOK UPDATE: You CAN get there from here!

The main reason why real estate bargains and lost tribes of headhunters - and possibly dinosaurs, Sasquatches, and giant anacondas - still abound in Red Hook, is that the Brooklyn neighborhood is so under-served by public transportation that its fragile Urban/Industrial Chic ecosystem has been allowed to flourish untouched by the hands of gentrifiers for far longer than almost any other NYC neighborhood.

But then the Swedes landed on that pristine, 19th Century dry docked peninsula with their big box pestilence against which the indigenous Red Hookers had neither the immune systems nor the well-organized community groups to defend against. Exactly one month ago today, a 346,000 square foot Ikea opened it's doors on their Brooklyn neighborhood's waterfront.

A major objection to the new Ikea's location was that the lack of public transportation to Red Hook would cause the narrow, cobblestone streets to be flooded with the private vehicles of Manhattan, Queens, and other Brooklyn-area residents who - unfurling maps, their rear view blocked by walls of corrugated cardboard bearing strange umlauted markings - would crush-under-tire and smog-out the indigenous peoples - and their property values and whatever dinosaurs may still roam free among them - into extinction.

Ikea attempted to assuage many of the traffic concerns by enhancing the Brooklyn neighborhood's meager public transportation options with free shuttle buses to and from the two near-ish-by subway stations and even the major Court Street/Borough Hall station between Downtown Brooklyn and Brooklyn Heights. Ikea has also sponsored a free, direct Water Taxi route to and from downtown Manhattan and Red Hook.

So did the Swedes succeed? Perhaps a Swede-tad better than they had intended...

It seems that Red Hook residents just love what Ikea has done with their daily commutes! Apparently, on any given free Ikea shuttle or Water Taxi, you are as likely to to be seated next to a hitching Red Hooker as you are someone looking to get their big box shop on. Dorothy Shields, a tenant advocate for Red Hook public housing tells New York Magazine:

"The working people have been making good use of the water taxi and the buses. [...] It's made it so much easier to get to work."

For now, Ikea is publicly cool with the freeloading locals:

[Bork, bork, bork!] "We don't care whether they are or are not coming to the store. If they want to ride to Ikea Brooklyn and go to the Red Hook neighborhood, they’re welcome to do so."

So how will this unforeseen boost in mass transit accessibility affect property values in Red Hook? Will there be more or less turnover in rental apartments, condos, co-ops, and brownstones? Thor only knows...

But if you find yourself worrying that a generous gesture by a new neighbor is being unfairly taken advantage of, don't be so hasty. By now, there is no excuse for underestimating the ever-adaptive, ever-opportunistic nature of the intrepid New Yorker.

The Secret-hood of the Traveling Pants-less

If you're a New Yorker, you've probably already penciled-in "ride the subway pants-less during rush hour" on your To Do list - somewhere between impersonating a Best Buy employee in slow motion and actually obeying the voice in your head - ever since you finally moved into your perfect downtown apartment and your best thinking can be accomplished without the constant interruption of calls from your genius real estate broker.

Don't forget, New York City is a big, big town, so if you're having these thoughts, chances are you're not alone. And - especially if you are new to NYC - what better way to meet your like-minded Gothamites than by employing a no pants buddy system as you zip un-zipped from Manhattan to Brooklyn with only your skivvies on?

But if sitting on a Queens-bound subway with nothing but your undies between you and, well, maybe the spot where a bottom with even less coverage than yours just sat isn't your thing, then your friendly neighborhood urban pranksters at Improve Everywhere will probably have other "missions" planned that will help you cross a few more items from your deranged To-Do list, such as:

#39 - Try out for the Olympic Synchronized Swimming Team in a Greenwich Village public fountain.

#158 - Dream Job for a Day: Times Square McDonald's Restaurant Bathroom Attendant

#17 - Being flash frozen like a Bird's Eye brussel sprout in the middle of Grand Central Station

#78 - Play first Nokia in a symphony of ringing cell phones performing near Union Square Park

So who exactly is this person who can see inside your head and is realizing items on your To-Do list? Improv Everywhere is the brainchild of New York City comedian/actor/writer, Charlie Todd, and you are welcome to play, too.

If the items on your To Do list are a bit less surreal - or even much, much, more so - NYC is a big, big town and your perfect brand of fun to be had and friendly Gothamites to have it with are out there, you just have to know where to look!

LINKS: Noize in da'Hood

The sound of silence is probably the only noise you won't get to hear much of in NYC. But if you're a hunter, renter, or owner of an apartment, condo, or co-op, in a newly constructed or renovated residential building in just about any NYC neighborhood, the following articles can tell you how to find or make a quiet home, and how to keep your noise to yourself.

The Noise Children Make [NYT]
The baby-boom that has hit NYC neighborhoods in recent years, like many other alien influxes, has caused tensions between the newcomers--let's just call them the Stroller Mafia for convenience sake--and the existing population who don't necessarily care for infants mewling in bars.

Getting a Handle on Apartment Noise [NYT]
What parents can do to make their children better neighbors.

A Place to Play the Piano Forte [NYT]
If you make noise for a living and you work from home, this article has tips on finding an apartment where you will be appreciated and not dowsed with molasses, rolled in cornflakes, and left in a Key Foods dumpster, unless of course that's what makes you feel appreciated.

Checking Out the Noise Level [NYT]
A gazillion--yes, gazillion--smart tips are offered here for sussing out the noise situation for almost any apartment, condo, or co-op in any NYC neighborhood.

Laminated Windows Keep Out the Din [NYT]
Just because your new condo overlooks a construction site where even newer condos will soon be, that doesn't mean that at 7:30 every morning you have to invite the entire shouting work crew with their backhoes and jackhammers into your home. Unless you want to.

The Dream of Absolute Quiet [NYT]
Never fear! If the guy featured in this article can find a downtown Manhattan apartment that's quiet enough for him--and a real, live girlfriend willing to live there with him--then believe you me, ANYONE can find one!